I don’t know how to start writing this post but I have to let it out, I need to vent.
Where shall I start?
Let me start with Saturday for more than a week ago, we went out and had a lovely time. In between having fun and laughing there was an small issue I recognize and haven’t let go of yet.
There was a person that really annoyed me in the way that I felt that he abused my comfort zone. If that makes sense?
Have in mind that I’m a very strict person in general, I don’t like to be all over people and be that person that everyone jokes with or can be touchy with. Strict no. I like my comfort zone and I’m one of them people that can feel really abused when someone doesn’t respect that.
Anyway, this person didn’t mind if I was there with my boyfriend he still continued to be close and most of all ANNOYING, so annoying to a point that it wasn’t only me getting annoyed by him. He was like an itchy mosquito, literally.
We continued through the night and like the partnership person I’m, I didn’t want people to leave because of me or make an issue, so I kept quite and continued. Told Craig the next day but I just thought let me tell him and never mind that again. Obviously I’m still thinking about it and it annoys me that men are such a perverts, and abuse women in all the way they can. It doesn’t matter in how small or big it is, you are making people feel uncomfortable and that is big enough.
Okey, that was then. Shouldn’t even continue to feed my pain bodies with negativity BUT I’m human and I can’t let go until I vent.
This weekend was a little bit more sensitive for all of us, but mine started to get a bit intense very early.
We went out to celebrate one of our friends, we just went up to Brixton. Everything was just smooth and I actually enjoy dancing so regardless the music you still see me bouncing around and having fun. I’m not a party pooper, I just do my thing.
Anyway, let me just give you a picture of what I was wearing on Saturday.
I was wearing a pair of jeans, a black top and my jeans jacket and heel ofc, even tho what I’m wearing has nothing to do with what stupid men do.
I was dancing in the crowd with my boyfriend and our friends, from no where a guy grabs my ass and move me to the side and says: excuse me. So I quick say to him: What the fuck are you doing? And he looks at me with a face saying: what? And that annoyed me, because he had the nerve to look at me like I was doing wrong?
I calmed down the situation because I knew that Craig would go mad, I tried to just be discrete AGAIN.
The night continued and I was dancing and having fun, later we heard about the terror attack in London Bridge which upset me even more. I have a poker face so I try to hold down a lot, I don’t want people to be awkward because I feel awkward.
We ended the night very early around 12 am, we leave the place and waited for everybody to get ready so we could grab a cab home. I’m on the corner of a building and waiting, a guy comes behind me and grabs my waist. By this point I was already fed up with the previous week and the previous issue the same night. I automatically says to the why: what the fuck are you doing? Don’t touch me. And this guys says to me: I dont wanna touch you anymore now. I was like: YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TOUCH PEOPLE YOU DONT KNOW! I was fuming. I have never been this angry and felt so abused like I was a thing.
By writing this my heart is beating really quick right now and I honestly feel blamed. Blamed because I acted angry and because I protected myself. No man is allowed to touch me without my permission.
We stood there and argue with more than 2 guys and they honestly thought we were wrong, and I promise if I wasn’t careful about my life I would have gone in and slapped the hell out him. Done everything and probably torture that awful created. It makes me so angry. Why the hell do you touch a woman you don’t even know? Why!
The whole issue escalated and continued for a few minutes. I was angry the whole way home and I vented wrongly while being with my friends. I was annoyed with the whole night and an extra thing just made me explode.
This is something that has happened before, once I was on my way home from a club an early night and I felt a guy just grabbing me on my private area and runs away. I couldn’t speak and just continue to walk home and was like what did just happened? Told my boyfriend back then and he just looked at me like: whatever. just move on.
I never told anyone more about it and just kept it for myself, but I remember me crying that day and I wasn’t sure why. I still cannot identify the feelings when those things has been happening. Since yesterday I have been low, trying to act normal but yesterday I was just at home. Felt extremely tired, but couldn’t sleep because every time I shut my eyes I woke up with a horrible feeling.
And today I feel anxious, angry and sad and the most awful thing is that I feel let down. I went to sit down on my break and just stared at the opposite building and almost start to cry. I know that some of you would be like: Oh lord, not a big deal. Move on. But it is a big deal, why should we let men abuse us however they want? I should be able to wear what I want without anyone giving themselves the permission.
I can’t even imagine what girls/women feel when they have been raped but at the same time actually can imagine what horrible feeling that is (if I feel this way imagine them), because what I feel now might be gone later if I allow myself to let go. But there are them females that will never get through this and still suffer for what awful men done.
I shouldn’t feel blame or that I acted too much, or that I created a bad vibe. I reacted the way I needed to. If I need to shout and scream because I feel abused, allow me.
No female should go through this and men should fucking behave and stop touching or abusing females without permission. Stop thinking you are better than us, and that you can demand what ever. I will never listen to a man that is trying to demand or be better than me. I’m against any type of abuse in this world and if I can raise my voice I will.
To all of you females out there, never take shit from men. Never allow them to treat to however and never accept orders from a man (anyone) if you feel uncomfortable. Small or big, issue is an issue. This is the first time I actually have had the time to reflect a bit more than usual and it has hit me hard this time.
Today as I was on my way to work, I need to jump off in London Bridge every single day. Just that tiny feeling of scared put me off, having men walking close to me put me off. I haven’t been myself since yesterday and I actually can’t work this out. Hopefully I will feel much better later.
Is it that I feel let down? That I didn’t raise the issue more with my friends? Or is it that I’m angry with myself because I just held myself quite the first time?
I had my mum, my best friend, my aunt and another friend calling my phone, but I just made an excuse and said: I’m sleeping call back tomorrow. This never happens, I’m always up to speak to my mum or the others. I’m that person that can shut down my feelings and continue normally. Yesterday was a day where I just realized how much I keep to myself, how much of a poker face I’m. How much of a partner I’m, that I let everyone have fun and shut my mouth to not let the night get ruined. It is a strength but not by the end of the day when I feel shit because I hold onto my own feelings and never speak.
I have heard plenty of times before that I’m exaggerating or I’m making a fuss and so on. From females and men, so I don’t blame myself for keeping all my thoughts and feeling to myself. How are we gonna progress and make people feel comfortable and let them vent when people blame them for having feelings.
How can we build good relationships when only your feelings count but not mine? How can we create a better world if we don’t let people be themselves and allow them to speak, as much as things are not right for you. Allow us to speak when unusual things happens. Allow us to feel safe and not neglected.
This is the first time I ever write something so blunt, but I needed to. I needed to vent and feel that maybe I can help other people to speak out more and actually stand up for themselves, and not let anyone take advantage of you.
What anyone is wearing is not the issue, the issue is people giving males the rights to behave however they like. Why? If we females are this way, people look at us like we are sins. We cannot move without being judge, and you know what? I’m tired of that shit. I’m tired of following the norms etc, it is not like back in the days. Females are more independent now than ever and we owe you nothing. We should be ourselves, stand up for ourselves and make sure we protect each other.
I will forever raise my voice, but I will forgive myself for holding it too myself for soo long that I now feel like I’m exaggerating. I’m not. You stepped into my comfort zone and that is an abuse for me. My comfort zone is my sacred place, where I decide who and what comes near it.